Acceptance

I’ve been hopelessly in love with you ever since I knew what it meant.I tried my best hiding it, not telling a soul for I know the harm it’ll do if you knew.

It was painful to see you falling in love with someone else, but it was even more painful to see how happy you were. I just let is pass believing I’ll eventually forget you and what you made me feel.

Until now I regret making that decision knowing how wrong and stupid it was. I could never forget you, I guess I never will. You eventually broke up, but still I didn’t tell you, I was scared, nothing frightened me more than the thought of you knowing. But somehow, I forgot how, you eventually found out about it, and what I dreaded came to be.

My nightmares coming true and the worst part about it was being awake. It was a painful experience, but again, time passed, it usually does even if I didn’t want it to. I didn’t know what happened but things were back to normal, I saw you laughing again, and I was there with you. I tried convincing myself that you didn’t see me the way I wanted you to, but when did my heart ever listen? The time finally came when I wanted to tell you the truth, I wanted it to come from me at least, maybe as a way of saying goodbye, but it was an emotional day and my fear got the best of me.

Not saying a word I left, it was better that way. I planned on starting over again, back from scratch, I wanted to move on and for some time I actually thought that I did, until I saw your smile again. All the blood left my body, I was frozen solid. All those months of effort forgetting, all went to waste. But it was different, it was like we started over again, with me hiding and being scared but trying to look as if nothing happened. No matter how many times I convince myself I guess I can never really forget you. But maybe it’s for the best.

Maybe I really wasn’t meant to forget you. You made a big impact on my life already, you changed who I was before and turned my life around without even knowing it. You will always have that space in my heart no matter how hard I try to remove it.

It’s okay now, I finally accept that what I wish will never come to be, you’ll always have that smile on your face but it’ll never be because of me. You’ll finally find someone and that someone can never be me. But it’s okay, I’ll be okay. I have to, for myself, I’ll also smile, maybe not now or sometime soon, but I will someday, and it’s not because of you nor is it for you, but it’ll be for me.

Unfair

I’m speechless and at the time I’m not.

I can still remember that warmth that came from your hand when you held mine, I was cold and it was raining, yet that warmth was all I needed. Things were simple back then, there were no second guessing, we just went with it. We had to, because in the first place we liked different people, we both knew that.

But what was it then?

Remember when you asked me that “what if” question? You never knew how everything went to a complete stop back then. What did you expect me to say? Was I supposed to be happy? mad? Don’t you know how late it was? All the years passed and you suddenly say that out of the blue?

But I didn’t tell you how I really felt then when you said that, because I knew.

I knew how happy you were with her. She made you smile, that smile that I was used to seeing.

Unfair, that’s what I thought, I couldn’t tell you how much that question hurt, I couldn’t do that to you, that’s just how much I cared. It was stupid, I realized that now, I should’ve told you the truth, I should’ve fought fire with fire. I wasn’t blind, I knew.

From the way your hand held mine, those stolen glances, that smile, those memories… Oh who I am fooling, all I really want to say is, I just saw your picture with her, and you were smiling so brightly that it hurt, but there’s nothing that I can do.

I want to erase all those memories that keep on flooding back whenever I see you. I still have the letter you gave me before I left and I read it at times when I feel sad, I lost the necklace though, sorry about that. How can I really forget something that used to make me smile and happy? But what am I supposed to do when each time I remember you, the painful slap of reality never miss and eventually collide with my face, its so painful that it brings me to tears.

Why did you have to be so kind? So gentle? Why did you give me those good memories when all it brings now is pain and misery? I hate you but at the same time I just cant. I hope you’re happy, but at the same time I wish all you feel is misery. I’m bitter, I know, but I’ll never be sorry.