Slipping

Who would’ve thought things would go down like this?

I guess, I did. Somehow.

Do you know that little voice in your head from the beginning? The one who whispers about the possible outcomes if you slip even just for a bit?

Yeah, I heard that voice, listened to it even. Constantly and unceasingly.

If I heard it, then what happened? You might ask.

I guess it all started when I started noticing the small things.

But it didn’t go downhill from there, no, not yet.

Because I was still able to ignore them, it was easy. You notice something, you just ignore it.

That’s how I was able to manage it for so long. Until everything started falling apart, or you could say falling into place, just not in a good way.

Noticing something and ignoring is easy if you feel like you’re just the only one seeing the whole thing happening; I guess that’s when I started slipping.

I slipped because I realized I wasn’t the only spectator.

I slipped because I started believing in things I shouldn’t have.

I slipped because I forgot why I chose to ignore it from the very beginning.

I slipped because …..  I hoped.

Never would I have thought that hope would become my double-edged sword.

I started holding onto that hope that was never really there in the first place.

It was just something I created for the sake of having something to hold unto.

The thought of being able to feel something again made me feel excited. The thrill of living came back so fast and I wasn’t able to prepare for it.

I welcomed it with open arms, like a naive little teenage girl.

And just when I started holding on strongly to that false hope I created for myself, reality just came crashing down and easily trampled everything.

That’s what happens when we break the rules we set in the first place.

We feel the ecstasy of living our lives freely and undauntedly, enjoying every second of it without thinking of the consequences that may eventually follow.

Even if it was only just for a second of our lives. Even if we don’t really know what happens next, we thrive for that moment for false freedom.

Things really went down, and it went down hard. But, and good thing there’s a but in life.

But, this isn’t my first rodeo.

I’m not a naive little teenager anymore.

It just took me so long to realize it.

I’ve been through so many hurdles in life that looking back now if my teenage self would see me, I know, she would laugh at me, or worse, criticize me.

But still.

As much as I want to forget that chapter in my life for happening, I’m still thankful for it.

I learned a lot, and still, am.

I have to admit it was a very painful learning process, but at least I  learned. And for now, I guess that’s what matters the most.